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2009-06-02T02:00:00Z

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my santa how you've changed

2008-03-24T10:57:44Z

Once upon a time I was a nice person. My view of the world was one of fairness. I was full of love and warmth. I didn't believe in making homophobic or racist jokes. I was also vehemenently anti-racist.

Whenever somebody made fun of somebody else I wouldn't stand for it. Silently, at least, I used to think they were only doing it to make themselves feel better. I said nothing about my friends and remained loyal to almost everybody. This included my family, my employers and the people in my life such as friends and partners that used to screw me over constantly. I worked hard and expected that working hard would bring me rewards and success. Why? Because that's who I am. Deep down I am one of the most empathetic, hard working and loyal people who you will ever hope to meet. Being in the closet as a teenager meant that I used to see things from the other end of the telescope, which is another of the many reasons why i am so empathetic towards people who have been wronged for things that they cannot help be.
It is also how I was raised. My Grandmother has so far, been the best example for me in my entire life. She took me home the day I was born because nobody else wanted me, not even my own parents. This wonderful woman ha has taught me an immutable lesson: to love those around you unconditionally and that the person who you regard as closest to you, you should keep around forever. For they will never let you down, ever. She hasn't.

The past year or so have seen drastic changes to my personality. These changes have been extreme and I believe that in the space of 18 months I have succesfully changed my entire personality type. I was once a more shy, secluded boy. I've transformed into a confident, expressive young man. Among some of the changes have been:

My acceptance of sexuality
Leaving an all guys school
Making a whole new group of friends
Dealing with the consequences of suicide
Dealing with the consequences of failed relationships
Experiencing some very good relationships
Being unfairly forced out of one of my jobs
A change in my personal appearance and hygeine standards
A change in environment. I am no longer living at home
Going through two bouts of depression, one minor, one manic
Harsh introsection into the way I am and why I act the way I do

This brings us to my next point. I'm mean now. I'm direct, i'm blunt, and if I can see things wrong with you, eight times out of ten, i'll point them out. I used to be a firm believer that personality always comes before looks, but I vehemenently disagree with that statement on so many levels.

I'm superficial. If you don't take pride in you're appearance it shows a lazy attitude. Anybody can transform themselves. It isn't hard. Look at photos of me from three or four years ago for an example of how somebody can turn from a frumpy looking tween into a sexy, bashful adult. If it means shaving every day, shaving hair off your body, using expensive hair products, expensive make-up, hair straightners, tanning oil, mach 3's, and dressing in designer clothes, levis jeans, nice shorts, hot shoes, hot tee shirts... then good good on you. Personal grooming takes a lot of time, and only the patient are good at it. It is also very expensive. I am still struggling to live up to Tylar's standards (which nobody else will be able to), but i'm getting there.

I am the most attracted to good looking people who are also nice and hard working. The reasons for this are easy to explain. Very good looking people don't have to be either nice or hard working to get very far in life. These types of people, who are aware that their looks pertain a certain type of godly power, are still able to be genuinely nice and hard working to those around them. If you are average looking or don't take care of your appearance, then all of these things are a given, and you aren't seen as exceptionally special in my eyes. However, I have been known to like people that my friends haven't felt are the least bit attractive. Despite the fact that I try to be as superficial and nasty as possible when it comes to potential partners, I always seem to be caught off guard by the guy who has a different or unusual look. What a paradox I am? I guess I can't change my core, but I can certainly try to destroy it.

Destroy it, you say? Yes i tell you. On the inside, as i've mentioned, I am too nice. Too easy to get walked over. Being jaded from past events has allowed me to be consiously aware that I have to make a good effort to change from a nice person into an assertive person (i believe these two are mutually exclusive). If you are reading this and you think it's possible to always do well in life by being a good worker, friend and person, you are kidding yourself. The way to get higher up is to manipulate, sleep with, or otherwise use unethical means to get there. This is just a generalization but it is a reminder that we are humans and no matter what laws or social codes we create, people will act like people in work and in life.

I'm Impulsive.In my time of personal change, i've also given up on trying hard for things that aren't worth it. My grandmother reckons that it is bad to quit things just because you don't like them, and in some part I agree. I was employed at New world for 19 months. Woolworths for 15 months. Hallensteins for 9 months. I lasted at Cotton On for... seven weeks. Why? Because I didn't like it, and when I asked for a pay rise and didn't get one, I resigned. I believe this is both stupid but practical. I was so exhausted at Cotton On that I could barely have anything that resembles a life. Signing a contract there is like signing a contract to hell. Most people would be cautious, and stay longer if only to make it look better on their CV. I couldn't be fucked with the shit, so I quit, and have never looked back. What this means is that I now have to go out job hunting, and you know what: it is hard. But i'm glad, again, because a whole lot of new opportunities have opened up for me.

I feel cordial. And I know that I am still a nice person. Hell, I haven't slagged off people who treat me like shit almost as much as they continue to slag me off, severely tarnishing my repuation. If you are one of the people who i've had a falling out with recently, and you're reading this, and still saying things about me: watch out. I am familar with law and once I have a job i'd have no reservations doing you for defamation. Reeeooowwww

While whoever is reading this I may aswell clear up a few things too:
Yes I will be a writer some day because I can't stop fuckin writing
Yes I can be a messy person
Yes I have had a history of keeping my room in bad conditions

But I am not filthy and I do not consciously seek to create mess. I have also never made any place messy, save for the actual room I was paying for to stay in. Don't call me filthy, and don't assume that I create a tornado of clothes and rubbish wherever I go, because I will not be happy. There is nothing worse than hearing one side of the story and treating the other party with disrespect before you hear it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toodles!

_________________________________________________

Half way

2007-06-14T00:03:52Z

It's the fourteenth of June, which means that winter has set in. Since my last entry a shitload has happened to me as usual.

I went in and out of a two and a half month relationship, which started out great and ended really badly.

That was the longest relationship i'd been in to-date.

My Grandmother is beginning to normalize my sexuality, which brings me to my next point

So am I. It's nothing new or special anymore which is good and also bad because I used it to make me happy earlier this year. Don't get what I mean by that? I'll explain later.

Uni started to get boring to me. I'd met new people. I'd become accustomed to the flexibility and open-ness of the environment. My marks are beginning to slide from the B range to the C range which is an unfortunate turn of events, due to work and relationship problems that were plaguing me at the time.

I started to get bored with work as usual, and the fact that I met someone special (Johnny) who works at Hallensteins, that compelled me in a way to try and seek new work.

In a twist of events, I now work at Hallensteins. And i'm so happy there but a part of the easyness of getting the job bothers me.

I left the supermarket industry last week after 3.5 years of working there. So long New World, so long Woolworths.

I got a new boyfriend, Johnny, who is amazing and is slowly becoming my world- but that scares me to a degree.

I guess the tone of this entry is that some good, some really good things are happening to me. But I, in character, have my reservations.

Coming out of the closet last December was a glorifying moment for me. It meant that no longer people could make up ridiculous excuses to why I was acting that way, why I wasn't going out to that place and why I was so secluded in 2006. For some people, it opened up their eyes to the ridiculousness of the closet and the negative consequences of homophobia- for others it brought out feelings of guilt. On the whole though, all of the reactions were that of good on you and good luck.

University complemented that. This is why I above all people enjoyed the transition. No longer was I in a homophobic, archaic, religious-bordering on cultism college. But it's been fourteen weeks and i'm beginning to get complacent there already. What does this tell me?

It tells me that I need to find a passion. When I was a young boy, my passion was life. When I was a teenager, my passion was the struggle for acceptance and the immutable desire to correct myself, to appear normal, to belong, to fit into the status quo- and then change it.

Now that i've accomplished those things it seems I am in a rut of sorts. Or perhaps this weather mixed with the fact that I am on holidays, and already in a really good relationship- are making me too contemplative. I'm not sure?

I guess one good thing to come of the mid-point of this year is that I am no longer a slut. Speaking from a list of at least twelve guys doing whatever ranging from hooking up, to full on sex, that's not good. But yes, I regress, I am no longer like that. I guess there was nothing inherently wrong with being a tad promiscuous now and then- but the fact that I was glorifying it, parading about it and using it to re-enforce existing notions about my personality was overkill.

The whole switching from Woolworths to Hallensteins happened to fast. And it's that pace which makes me feel strange. Think of the saying: good things take time, or the good old commonsense term that you have to work hard to succeed. Well, all I did was type up a C.V online, submitted it to the Hallensteins website, got a call three days later, was made an interview, went for an interview and according to the manager, it was decided the next day that I had gotten the job. I found out the day later.

I am thrilled. Really, I don't want to downplay that abundant feeling of happiness, for one thing six people went for that job, the other being I fit in more with the fashion industry then the supermarket industry because more often then not my personality is bursting. But, and a small but, the reason I am a little perplexed is how easy it was for me to actually get there.

I guess it's hard to describe. But i've come to realise in the last few years that if something is that good, that you have to work hard for it- and after working, stressing, studying, trying, trying again and finally achieving it- the result is a huge feeling of "yes I deserve this". With Hallensteins I was basically a shoe-in for the job. I didn't have to, like so many other people, go job-hunting. All it took was one practice attempt and here I am, working at Hallensteins earning a lot more then I was last week.

Oh well. Perhaps I should just accept that fate throws people into accelerated situations without having to work for it, if only because of chance. Or maybe the real test for me is to use my skills, personality and whatever resonance I have to work my way up to a managers position?

We will see. And this post has gone on quite a while, so I will end with a few interesting little tid-bits for anybody still bothering to read the insane ramblings of this film junkie.

In about a month from now would be one year to the day that I got hardline depressed, oh how life has changed.
In about two weeks from now would be my one year anniversary of Youtube.
I'm turning 19 in five months.

Brief.

2007-04-29T12:08:15Z

Life's a struggle. It's a huge struggle. But it's a beautiful struggle- that's what keeps us going.

University.

2007-04-19T11:27:46Z

Wowzers. It's been let's see... a lot of months since my last post. The Adieu to you 2006 was on private until earlier this week, so my Livejournal was thus left emo and hopeless, with posts that depicted me in depression and a state of nothingness. Shit, that feels like such a long, long, long time ago. I've been on the up and up since December and it's just not stopping- as far as I can see. So what's really changed?

After I left school I decided to cut my awful hair. You know, the long- messy- horrible looking rag that I wore for most of senior year. It's G.O.N.E.

Around that time, as my "new" hair and "new" tan was upping my self-esteem I decided to come out of the "closet" so to speak, as Gay. None of that Bisexual 'crossing the bridge' shit that I see most people begin as. Come on guys, it's 2007- there's no need to pretend to be Bisexual, there are two reasons for this. First, it's important to articulate who you are to those around you, if you do then you will earn respect, because I sure as hell have. Second, Bisexuality has connotations of sexual promiscuity to it that being Gay doesn't have anymore. If you know you are Gay and are thinking of coming out, don't use the Bisexual card, because these days most people can see through it. If you really ARE bisexual then good for you.

My depression went away very, very quickly. The fact that I had finally left school really did it for me, once I was done with College I knew that life was about to start: and it has. In January I called my old work (Woolworths) that I quit because of anxiety issues two months earlier, and of course they hired me back straight away. So, in the space of two months, I turned my whole life around by:

Changing my appearance for the better.
Taking a rest. This made my Glandullar Fever subside.
Accepting my sexuality and artculating honesty to those around me (this has turned into more of a sport than a challange now ie: who doesn't know i'm Gay?!?!)
Going back into the workforce and realising that I am an asset rather than a liability, not just in terms of the company but life in general.

I also think, that down below I have let go of other things that plagued me as a teenager. My mother's death is finally something I don't subconsciously dwell on, the same goes for the step-brother I have never met and probably never will. Somewhere over the summer I came to the conclusion that I should enjoy the life I was given, rather than try and find a life that was taken away from me. Another thing I gave up on was the notion that I "had no friends". That was something i've inherently assumed throughout my life due to bullying at a young age. However, during summer I realised that not only do I have plenty of friends, they all care about me and all support me (from the reactions i've had to coming out). Thanks heaps guys! I've also become super-honest, and have developed a new protection mechanism from outside backlash. What does this mean? It means that I am frank about how I feel, and if somebody does something that makes me angry I am vocal about it. Whereas, in years past, I was the nice kid that everybody walked over.

So, baring all of that in mind, University officially began for me the week of 19th of February 2007. It's been about eight weeks now, and i'm having the time of my life. The first week of uni was a blast, not only because it was a new environment: but because it was a new me. Somebody who is more or less completely happy with himself. I've met some really cool friends in those weeks, such as Bill, Victoria, Stevie, Jordan, Jess and Nathan. In the first few weeks I joined the Gay club, which is pretty cool and makes me feel "at home" I guess. Something that Saint Pats starkly contrasts with.

Weeks four, five and half of six were perhaps the most stressful, but not in a way that I couldn't handle it. I knuckled down in week five and managed to get over twenty hours of Law study in for my first exam that Saturday. I'm still waiting on the results for that paper (as well as a film paper and two media essays) which I will post here as soon as possible!

A funny thing has happened. Not only have I transformed personally, but my aspirations have changed. You guys might think this is a bit weird, but I no longer "desire" fame and recognition, which I think was the underlying reason I wanted to become a film producer. It certainly makes sense when you consider my career dreams at a young age consisted of "singer", "author" and "actor". Clearly, growing up with low self esteem issues fuelled me to try and become something "big". Well, now I am happy with myself and I am happy to say that I find the study of New Zealand Law extremely compelling. I want to do well in Law. I want to do really well, and I want to become a good lawyer. Say what you want to that, but i'm serious. My youtube nickname "f1lmjunkie" is beginning to become a stark reminder of what I used to 'dream' of.

So much has happened, and it's late tonight so there is no possible way I can cover everything in this one entry. We will have to wait until next time, I guess- but before I go I must point out a few things:

- I found my 2003/2004/2005 journals the other day, in my closet (irony?) and am busy typing them up. So if you scroll right down the end of this page, you will find entries beginning from December 2003. I was fifteen at that point, so please be very careful. Most of the entries are written poorly and most of them are about whatever hot guy I like at the time. However there are some things in there I think are compelling, such as the way I viewed my Grandmother and the world back then. There is also stuff about my life at work and school among other things.

- I'm going to post four essays over the next few days. My two media ones, my film one and my law one. I don't know who will read them, but it's good for me to document my work and potential comments are welcomed.

- I bought a "dora the explorer" pencil case today. I'm reeeeally cool!

And one final message. If you are feeling down, have faith. Because things will soon turn right!

Adieu 2006

2006-12-31T05:00:59Z

So here I am. Twelve months later. This is going to be like a then and now entry. You know, sort of like the cheesy juxtapositions you see in some films. Why? Why? Why am I even bothering with this? Well, as James once said "activity is much better then inactivity."

This is going to be the best year EVER!

That was me on January 31st 2005. See, back then, if I knew irony was my worst enemy, I would have said something more theme specific like: fuck this year is going to suck major ass. Had I said that, this year would have been a blast. I'm sure of it. As i've already asserted, the universe is out to get me. It loves to play with my head. And in the process turn everything I say upside down.

So, in an effort to be literal read: lazy, i'm going to write down everything i've gained and lost this year. I'm going to start with what i've gained.

I've gained a huge amount of knowledge of the english language. My essay writing skills have improved fivefold. I have Lynley to thank for that and will be forever grateful. I love playing with english. Whether it means i'm shooting made up words from my arse, writing snarky yet effective television episode reviews, my own novels, or just sounding particularly smart and self centered to those around me.

I have gained University Enterance, despite my depression and subsequent lack of passion for anything to do with school.

I have gained a workable relationship with my Grandmother, who before this year, I didn't love enough for my own good. Even now i'm tearing up, because she is such a wonderful woman. I'm so glad we could find some common ground. She's more of a "friend" to me now then a "parent", despite her authoritive attitude at times where she can't help it.

I've met loads of new and interesting people. James is one of the stand outs. I'm really glad that he messaged me all of those days ago on NZdating.com. It was one of those messages I could read and not see completely through. I was compelled, mystified, interested and determined to get to know this person.

I managed to save over five thousand dollars. Mind you, nearly two thousand of it went on my new computer. Let's just keep quiet about that one.

I've explored and become mostly comfortable with my sexuality. This is a huge shift to what my life was like post. November 2006. Living a double life is an unbelievably hard thing to do, and i'm glad both of them are converging, ever so slightly. Fourteen of my friends know that I am "Gay" now, which is about ten times as many as at the same time last year. I know, I know, there is no such thing as 1.4 of a person, i'm just being vaguely specific. Yes, I know that vaguely specific is a bit of a paradox, but i'm like that.

I've made it through another year without relying on Drugs or Alcohol to soothe my "problems".

My personal appearance / confidence is beginning to return. Whether or not I actually look better is debatable though, however, in my mind's eye I do.

conflicting generations...

2006-10-25T08:11:48Z

Last night I did what I said. Well kind of. I managed to get off the computer long enough to spend some time with my Gran, which was good. But i've noticed something. I'm getting older and she's not changing.

The past few months i've tried so hard to get closer to her. To make our relationship work really well, for her to understand me and for me to understand her. It's 100% better compared to us at this time last year. We were at eachothers throats practically every day. Now we hardly ever fight.

But I am getting older, and i'll be a legal adult in merely a few weeks. I also know i've grown up a fuckload in the last twelve months, so it is kind of disheartening when I notice she treats me the same, and dramatises everything I do.

Today I couldn't be bothered to undo my shoelaces so I forced my feet into my chucks in front of her. "Don't do that" - "The shoe shop man told you that's how you wreck your shoes" - "You'll ruin your soles" were a few of the things that came from her mouth directed at my ego. Oh and, the shoe shop man said this ten years ago.

These are fine things to say to a naive thirteen year old who gets his shoes paid for. But times have changed. I'm seventeen, I pay for my own shoes and frankly no matter how old I get- I won't really care if I end up stretching my shoes out. I haven't ever witnessed any of my old shoes being too stretched in the back to wear either, so it's not like she has any real evidence.

Now you guys might be thinking, okay, she sounds like she's trying to help me. Which she is- deep down. But the way she talks to me- it's condescending more then she realises.

Her tone of voice,
her expression,
remind me of how I was talked to when I was younger and it makes me wonder would she talk like that to her friends? No. So I explained to her, "Look, I pay for my own shoes and I haven't ever stretched any of my old ones. In this day and age im older now, so stop dramatising everything. Don't make such a big deal out of how i'm putting my shoes on. Really, it's probably worse to worry about it so much then it is to do it." But of course saying that proved fruitless. She still thinks she has to "teach" me what is "right" and what is "wrong" because somewhere in there she is still in the mindset of "I am the parent and you are the child."

Formally, that sentance is true but we don't live in a black and white world. There are grey shades everywhere. Some parents heavily drink and some children watch but instead decide to read a book, to do better. Some teenagers are just as wild as they're parents and these relationships tend to work either way. Some children have to take over the role of the parent if something major happens. Some parents are so strict and naive that they drive their children to near suicide. Just because she's the legal parent doesn't mean that she has to talk to me in such a subversive tone. Likewise, just because i'm a legal adult doesn't mean i'm going to mature- age is just a number. She has to realise this, after she realises I actually am growing up.

She seems to think being an adult is about fitting in to society, doing my shoes properly and many other non-sensical "expected" things that really only show self-commitment and conformity not age maturity. For me, to be an adult is to have responsibility. Monetary and living responsibility. The freedom to make life altering choices that can have massive consequences. The knowledge and skill to co-exist but be afraid of the huge world around. The compassion to reach out for others who need help in any way. To work.

I am currently working, and making money plans for next year. My choice of university is a life altering choice and where I go next year will have massive consqeuences on who I am and who i'll become. I know too much about this world already, that i'm wondering if it's a good thing not to ever have children, who would want to bring a child into a world where teenagers are killing eachother, where religious zealots are killing themselves and eachother, where the government fight over petty gay-slurs and illegally spent money? A world where war is on the brink, where global warming is being ignored, where sex and attraction override poise and personality? Where it's more important to bash people because of sexual orientation, then show the love and devotion to everybody like Jesus did? To bring a child into this world or not to bring a child into this world? It's a decision that I know i'll be wondering for a long long time.

So to conclude, well. Our relationship is good. But I hope she has the scope and willpower to see me as a semi-mature adult, a person who dares go against the norm, who tries his best to do good in the world. Someday...

down to the nitty gritty

2006-10-24T05:41:26Z

I haven't posted much here. I haven't done any study for end of year exams. I haven't made any effort to go to school. I'm losing a few friends for the most stupid reasons. I still can't bring myself to resign from work even though I know i'm going to have too because I have another job coming up over the summer. I have no inspiration to fill out my Univertisy forms. I have no direction.

Yes, things have been going very slowly and pointlessly these last few weeks. Something needs to change, I don't know what though. I have a lot of problems that I think about too much of the time, and now that i'm feeling okay I realise i've wasted a lot of time this year stressing and procrastinating about things that are or could happen to me. And these things I have no control over. Looking back, i've made a few bad decisions this year, and now that i'm feeling okay- I feel like i'm crawling out of some sort of bottomless pit.

Last night I looked over photos of myself entering third form at college. And I remember. How much shit people put me through at primary school it's no wonder I had a breakdown in the school toilets at age 11. I remember, looking at myself in that third form picture- seeing a sort of determination in my eyes that said "i'm going to go to college and start a new life, completely refreshed." Back then I didn't internally analyse myself, but on a deep down level I knew I could finally control my life, away from St. Francis De Sales.

In the photo i'm standing with one leg bent and one arm on my hip, my eyebrows raised as if to say "fuck, photos are pointless." My whole expression oozed with confidence, poise and carelessness. I take photos of myself now and all I see is no expression, complacency and a sort of lack of confidence I once had.

Part of my temprament change comes from external things. I've seen how horrible the world is over the years, and my eyes have opened up to a plethora of shit that goes on around my existence on a daily basis. Humans are ignorant, well at least I think there are three billion ignorant people walking this earth. But that isn't the root of my problems. It's internal too.

I'd say my dependance on my grandmother coupled with the fact that when I was little I didn't have many friends, explains why I go through life trying to constantly impress everybody around me. I think it's pretty pathetic really, but i've gotten so used to it over the years and now that I can't always impress people, or conform like I used too, i've noticed there isn't really any substance to me.

Most people have something. A long time girlfriend or boyfriend. A passionate sport. A load of favourite video games. A hobby that makes their world light up. A sense of pride in doing well academically. Work that they enjoy. Heck, some people have all of that.

But along the years i've just waffled around trying to impress people so much that I haven't really had any focus at all. I've had some good relationships, both sexually and just friend-wise but on the whole they haven't lasted forever. Because I try and change myself too much. I never got into sport because I was a shy, reserved kid who was afraid of working in a team- especially around people who didn't like me. I used to bike ride for fun, then came the computer and since then i've become an internet addict. Not a good idea. I've never been good in school, ever. English is the one subject though that I can say I enjoy enough to want to go for a scholarship for it. But lately, I've lost inspiration to study for it.

Sometimes I get lonely and I will meet up with some random fuck buddy and that never leads too much, because then i'm scared of starting a relationship with anyone new because I know i'll somehow mess it up. I realise now I need to be single for a while, and get myself together.

I'm sitting here on the computer listening to music i've heard over and over and over when I could be doing something more productive.

1. Reading "Tu" By Patricia Grace and comparing it to the movie "All quiet on the western front" would help my War analysis as far as english goes.

2. Doing 50 pullups, 100 situps and 150 pressups would help me release endorphens, and release my stress while also allowing me to bulk up.

3. Spending time with my grandmother/doing chores around the house. There is nothing like a bit of charity work to cleanse the soul on a day where i've done nothing else that's productive.

I suppose writing to my livejournal is better then going to the mirror and hyperanalysing myself though, which became a habit a few weeks ago. So. I have some positive, productive things I know I could do all three in the last three and a half hours of this night I have left. So why don't I? Good question?

My motivation is all gone. Reading "Tu" won't impress anyone. Doing excercise by myself isn't going to impress anyone. Spending time with my grandmother may impress her, but i've never really cared what she thought anyway which is also bad.

I need to get into a more pro-active mood. Living, trying to do good things for myself rather then show off to people who don't even give a shit about me. And you know what. I think I will. I will go and I will read that damn book. Then i'll go and do a long, hard workout while singing "fuck the world and society" over and over. And then i'll go and spend some time with my grandmother, who has single handedly had to put up with the burden of raising me for nearly eighteen years.

After that, I better get my butt to school tomorrow. As much as I hate it, only three weeks to go.

However all is not lost. I am hoping that with the summer relatively job and definately school free, i'll have time sort myself out. To find a hobby. To realise who I am, and to create some actual tangible goals for the next five years.

D-day

2006-09-21T07:59:15Z

A few things have happened since my last entry.

First of all: the 34 day lock out of distribution workers FINALLY got a good deal from the company, whose bullying tactics left them without the money to afford bare nescessities. The deal isn't what was originally hoped for, but a 4.5% increase in wages every year for the next three years is an alright deal, compared to the companies initial offer of 2.9% over twelve months. It's definetly a huge step foward.

I am so glad it's finally over. at first i felt sorry for the locked out workers. then i started to get irritated at the comapny. and when i found out that many of the workers were running out of money for basic food nescessities i empathised with them, and shot down the company whenever customers asked me what was going on. So now I can calm down I hope.

Second of all: OH MY GOD WHERE HAS THIS YEAR GONE? Tomorrow begins my final taylorfest (creative day) ever, and the beginning of the final two week holidays ever. After that, I have five more weeks of school to go and that's it. Wow. I've waited so long for school to be over i've lost track of time. It's finally hitting me in the face that major changes will be happening soon.

And I can't wait.

Progressive Strike continues 19 days

2006-09-12T09:50:46Z

If you saw my video a few days ago about how the 600 supermarket workers were on strike from work, here is an update.

It's been 20 days now. All of the striking workers are "locked out" of their jobs and can only start working again if they agree not to ask for collective barganing, which means that all of those 600 people, if they decide to give up the strike, will get to go back to work but won't be allowed to ask for a raise for the next three years.

This is a bullying tactic by the company, which is forcing them to choose between either HAVING TO STRIKE or GO BACK TO WORK AND SIGN AN AGREEMENT NOT TO ASK FOR ANY MORE AGREEMENTS.

That's 20 days that families might be going without food. The raise the company is offering is 3.5% which is -5% less then costs have risen on average since this time last year. The company is offering less, not more.

I am disgusted and ashamed to be working for such an opressive company. One of my customers last shift asked me about it, and I called it bullshit- gave her a marker and she wrote "rubbish" on the wall of our store which had a poster claiming the union asked for a 30% raise (they asked for 8%).

For more info PM me or see www.shelfrespect.org

I'm printing out flyers to give out to customers on Friday and Saturday while I am working. It may get me fired but at this point- I don't really care.

Haters in general

2006-09-11T22:39:43Z

Okay, I realise that there are a lot of dick heads out there. But when it comes to Youtube there seem to be two assholes to the ratio of one really nice user. Especially these days.

I've been posting videos for 9 weeks now and i've seen how much the site has changed from my initial impressions of it. I've turned from a guy with a relaxed attitude to videos, a guy who just did what he wanted without a care in the world into something else.

With Emmalina leaving, a huge blow to Youtube- and now bravesgirl5 leaving because of the haters, the site really needs to do something. I'm becoming wary of posting videos that are too witty, or too stupid or ones that can easily get ridicule, because who knows it could be featured and the price i'll pay is thousands of haters. I don't want that and I don't need that.

I've been so grateful more then anyone could know, for the 224 subscribers i've gotten up to this point and all of the friends i've met. I'm not planning on leaving youtube any time soon- or to stop making videos, but lately i've been a little hesitant.

The lonelygirl controversy is really stupid and pointless, Renetto has lost his mind, Brookers has turned from a cool indie girl into a pop culture esque` woman that makes professional advertising videos, Emmalina and Bravesgirl5 have left and Youtube in general is screwing up with all of it's new security features. They lock the video comments to four per fifteen minutes in an effect to stop spam. But haters have multiple accounts, they can keep posting as much as they like. To the rest of us, who are genuinely wanting to comment on videos, this sucks.

Things better pick up soon.

School sucks!

2006-08-23T22:38:15Z

It's 10:24am and i'm sitting in computers bored as a plank. YouTube is blocked from our network so there is no way I can get to it. I've finished all of my work for this term and sit here with absolutely nothing to do then write meaningless bullshit. I've tried browsing with anonymous proxy's to get to youtube but it seems our technician isn't as stupid as he appears to be.

We have a reliving teacher today- so it's pretty cruisy I guess. I'm listening to "Frontline" by Pillar on my almost- defunct iPod Nano, whose battery is at about a 10% charge. I always forget to charge it in the mornings, every time.

Four more classes to go. That's what keeps me going. Oh wait a minute no wait, I have work today straight after school. I went in this morning to drop off my work uniform and I was greeted my our 2ic (second in command) manager who had just came back from a holiday. She seemed happy and cheerful as usual but eh. I'm sick of working there and they'l probably beg me to stay when I resign in december.

Going out tonight, as there is no school school tomorrow. Fuck school it's a fucking waste of time anyway. I'd take the next ten weeks off if I was allowed- I have university enterance anyway. Everything else is just a waste of time. We're studying about Mary in Religion and I feel like i'm back in kindergaten again "how did mary show good qualities of a mother?" well how the hell am I supposed to answer that question anyway. Do we know? No. The bible is an historical text full of mistakes and heresay. How can I possibly say with honesty that I know the qualities of Mary as a mother- or even if she had any at all.

I think I might go to the library and finish reading One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest instead of boring Religion today. I'll think of some excuse like I always do to explain my absense.

Mood: Bored.

I won't be online after this until either friday night or saturday night. Busy, busy, busy.

Ten weeks to go

2006-08-23T05:12:53Z

It's Wednesday August 23rd 2006. I've been attending full time school since November 1993. Nearly thirteen years. I've had enough. College is going to be out in ten weeks from today (minus 2 week break we get in 4 weeks) and I can't be more excited.

I've grown out of the monotony of getting up at 6.30am every morning, going to school, being treated like a child, catching the "school bus" and coming home at 4pm with the only thing to look foward to: homework and another day of school. Blech.

I haven't posted here in ages. I guess I just don't really want too. Writing down my feelings just seems pretty pointless. Even more pointless if to write them on the internet. Personal things are just that- personal- so you won't be finding anything "juicy" here, just the nonsensical things and posts about YouTube.

Speaking of: In seven weeks i've managed 128 subscribers and 18,000 video views. Haha. I can remember when I first went to buy a webcam, I was so excited. I can kind of see how some YouTubers get "bored" easily, but I can say I won't be one of those. I've released 27 videos already- almost one video every single day and there is no sign that i'm going to be slowing down to a large extent. I suppose the reason I enjoy making videos is because I do vlogs, crazy shit, dancing, shout outs and anything else under the sun. Also the fact that i'm film crazy and will dedicate the better of four years of my life come next march- studying film, i'd say it's a win-win situation.

In regards to work, i'm getting tired of working at Woolworths (Supermarket). I've been scanning grocerices as a job since march 2004, so nearly three years. I want to leave- so bad. But I can't yet for three reasons:

1. I'm still in school. Stuff trying to find a new BETTER job right now.
2. I'm being promoted to "First aider" on september the 24th.
3. I need the $

I've been at woolworths for eleven months now. And while I like the staff and most of the management- that alone isn't enough. What I hate is having to work on thursday nights, friday nights and saturday nights. It's really killing my schoolwork and social life. By sunday i'm so buggered and depressed I don't feel like doing a thing at all. At the moment I have several thousand saved up. I plan on going to australia for a holiday in December, so perhaps it's the best idea to work at woolworths until december, then quitting (and taking my $500 holiday pay) and going on holiday. Come back to NZ in January from a 3 week holiday, tanned, refreshed and more or less ready to tackle the next four years of my life. University.

So I've grabbed an application form to work at the local video shop. Although they can't possibly hire me until I turn 18 in November, i'm going to hand it in anyway. If I can get the job there in January or February, and work for twelve hours per week (about $110 after tax) i'll have a good $230 per week to live off next year (I get $120 student allowance as-well).

Decisions decisions. And in the meantime I make YouTube videos. At least until the end of the year. I won't be leaving any time soon.

Peace out! Leave me a reply guys!

YouTube is taking up too much of my time

2006-07-11T05:58:30Z

So yes. I did go and buy a webcam afterall and began to make videos. YouTube did make me a director account and I am getting some hits and comments.

So far i've had 350 views all up (a modest amount for being a member for 3 days) for the three videos i've posted. (fourth one just posted now).

My most recent video isn't very flattering, but hey, I take pride in my spontanious stupidity so it doesn't really bother me if haters begin to make comments. Speaking of haters, yesterday I logged in to find three hateful responses to my first video saying things like "I thought directors had good videos" and "these videos are crap" etc. At first I was taken aback, but then I looked at their profiles, and each had registered 30-39 minutes prior to posting those messages. (30, 34 and 39 respectively). Ha ha. If someone is jealous/has something to say about my videos, why waste time making 3 accounts? Either say it to my face or do it in a way that I don't notice. It's not rocket science, god.

FJ: 1
Hater: 0

Incase anyone was wondering yes I do actually act. I was in the recent production "The Crucible" (By Arthur Miller) and I played Thomas Putnam. I've been in three other teenage plays with Helen O Grady drama, and I currently do a drama course in high school (College is what we call it here). So the acting video has personal inspiration in it, even though it is really dumb and ridiculous.

It's the holidays at the moment, which is why I find myself with absolutly nothing to do. I've already gotten wasted twice, worked 3 days serving my "clients" at the supermarket LMFAO, been over to Philips house, gone for a drive in Quentin's new car, gone to town with Karina, and Crystal on two seperate days ...so yeah. Now all that's left is to film videos and to finish reading One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest, because i'll be writing a mock essay on it in four weeks. Joy.

Just also a quick thankyou to a small number of you who have found and enjoy my videos. I know they arent amazing, mainly because i'm new at this and trying to figure out everything so yeah. Comment with caution (translation: Don't be too sadistic) and i'll love ya for it.