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pinned entry: introduction

mood: calm
Update: 27 MAY 2009.

  I've been writing down bits about my life since I can remember. I was inspired to use livejournal by [info]emmalina so i've collated my physical journal, and other online resources to bring it all together. Historic Entries span 2003 to 2005 and current ones begin 2006 and onwards. Much has changed. 

Unfortunately, i'm going to have to remove some of my more private entries because of security issues. Add me as a friend to read the more juicy entries. 
 

Posted on Dec. 31st, 2020 at 03:48 pm | | leave a comment | 11 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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 http://www.youtube.com/user/jeanneendo 

Posted on Jun. 2nd, 2009 at 01:59 pm | | leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mirrror, mirror

It's strange seeing myself in the mirror with hair that is so dark it passes as black in abysmal lighting conditions. Like, i'll have to stare at myself for at least two minutes before I recognize the person in front of me.

I'm happy with that though. I'm tired of being the fuzzy, blonde, messy haired individual. It's time for a change.

I've decided in the whimsical way that I do, that i'm moving back to my grandma's for a while haha. To those who are unaware I moved out of home last November.

Apart from having a room to myself, rent paid for, food, internet, power paid for and breakfast made for me each morning, I think it'll be good for me to move back.

In hindsight I jumped into coming out / relationships / full time work / moving out of home way too fast. And it's brought me crashing down especially when it comes to prioritizing my cleaning. Despite my history I do dislike having a messy room. I just need to learn not to be such a lazy ass haha.

I'm sort of nervous but sort of excited for my job trial tomorrow at TaroCash which is a mens clothing ship. It lasts for two hours from eleven oclock. I think i'll know by the end of the day tomorrow if I have the job too which will make a huge impact on my life. If I don't get the job, i'll go back to uni in trimester two beginning in June. If I do get the job, then TBA.

Right now i'm listeing to In the Dark by Tiesto. It's Techno and from Cotton On (my old work that I quit) which isn't good for me haha so i'll change it to probably P.O.D after i've finished writing this.

It's 11.52pm and i'll be going ny nys in about an hour. Hopefully I have a good sleep and hopefully my day goes well tomorrow. I really want the job.

Wish me luck!

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Posted on Mar. 19th, 2008 at 12:15 am | | leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

my santa how you've changed

Once upon a time I was a nice person. My view of the world was one of fairness. I was full of love and warmth. I didn't believe in making homophobic or racist jokes. I was also vehemenently anti-racist.

Whenever somebody made fun of somebody else I wouldn't stand for it. Silently, at least, I used to think they were only doing it to make themselves feel better. I said nothing about my friends and remained loyal to almost everybody. This included my family, my employers and the people in my life such as friends and partners that used to screw me over constantly. I worked hard and expected that working hard would bring me rewards and success. Why? Because that's who I am. Deep down I am one of the most empathetic, hard working and loyal people who you will ever hope to meet. Being in the closet as a teenager meant that I used to see things from the other end of the telescope, which is another of the many reasons why i am so empathetic towards people who have been wronged for things that they cannot help be.
It is also how I was raised. My Grandmother has so far, been the best example for me in my entire life. She took me home the day I was born because nobody else wanted me, not even my own parents. This wonderful woman ha has taught me an immutable lesson: to love those around you unconditionally and that the person who you regard as closest to you, you should keep around forever. For they will never let you down, ever. She hasn't.

The past year or so have seen drastic changes to my personality. These changes have been extreme and I believe that in the space of 18 months I have succesfully changed my entire personality type. I was once a more shy, secluded boy. I've transformed into a confident, expressive young man. Among some of the changes have been:

My acceptance of sexuality
Leaving an all guys school
Making a whole new group of friends
Dealing with the consequences of suicide
Dealing with the consequences of failed relationships
Experiencing some very good relationships
Being unfairly forced out of one of my jobs
A change in my personal appearance and hygeine standards
A change in environment. I am no longer living at home
Going through two bouts of depression, one minor, one manic
Harsh introsection into the way I am and why I act the way I do

This brings us to my next point. I'm mean now. I'm direct, i'm blunt, and if I can see things wrong with you, eight times out of ten, i'll point them out. I used to be a firm believer that personality always comes before looks, but I vehemenently disagree with that statement on so many levels.

I'm superficial. If you don't take pride in you're appearance it shows a lazy attitude. Anybody can transform themselves. It isn't hard. Look at photos of me from three or four years ago for an example of how somebody can turn from a frumpy looking tween into a sexy, bashful adult. If it means shaving every day, shaving hair off your body, using expensive hair products, expensive make-up, hair straightners, tanning oil, mach 3's, and dressing in designer clothes, levis jeans, nice shorts, hot shoes, hot tee shirts... then good good on you. Personal grooming takes a lot of time, and only the patient are good at it. It is also very expensive. I am still struggling to live up to Tylar's standards (which nobody else will be able to), but i'm getting there.

I am the most attracted to good looking people who are also nice and hard working. The reasons for this are easy to explain. Very good looking people don't have to be either nice or hard working to get very far in life. These types of people, who are aware that their looks pertain a certain type of godly power, are still able to be genuinely nice and hard working to those around them. If you are average looking or don't take care of your appearance, then all of these things are a given, and you aren't seen as exceptionally special in my eyes. However, I have been known to like people that my friends haven't felt are the least bit attractive. Despite the fact that I try to be as superficial and nasty as possible when it comes to potential partners, I always seem to be caught off guard by the guy who has a different or unusual look. What a paradox I am? I guess I can't change my core, but I can certainly try to destroy it.

Destroy it, you say? Yes i tell you. On the inside, as i've mentioned, I am too nice. Too easy to get walked over. Being jaded from past events has allowed me to be consiously aware that I have to make a good effort to change from a nice person into an assertive person (i believe these two are mutually exclusive). If you are reading this and you think it's possible to always do well in life by being a good worker, friend and person, you are kidding yourself. The way to get higher up is to manipulate, sleep with, or otherwise use unethical means to get there. This is just a generalization but it is a reminder that we are humans and no matter what laws or social codes we create, people will act like people in work and in life.

I'm Impulsive.In my time of personal change, i've also given up on trying hard for things that aren't worth it. My grandmother reckons that it is bad to quit things just because you don't like them, and in some part I agree. I was employed at New world for 19 months. Woolworths for 15 months. Hallensteins for 9 months. I lasted at Cotton On for... seven weeks. Why? Because I didn't like it, and when I asked for a pay rise and didn't get one, I resigned. I believe this is both stupid but practical. I was so exhausted at Cotton On that I could barely have anything that resembles a life. Signing a contract there is like signing a contract to hell. Most people would be cautious, and stay longer if only to make it look better on their CV. I couldn't be fucked with the shit, so I quit, and have never looked back. What this means is that I now have to go out job hunting, and you know what: it is hard. But i'm glad, again, because a whole lot of new opportunities have opened up for me.

I feel cordial. And I know that I am still a nice person. Hell, I haven't slagged off people who treat me like shit almost as much as they continue to slag me off, severely tarnishing my repuation. If you are one of the people who i've had a falling out with recently, and you're reading this, and still saying things about me: watch out. I am familar with law and once I have a job i'd have no reservations doing you for defamation. Reeeooowwww

While whoever is reading this I may aswell clear up a few things too:
Yes I will be a writer some day because I can't stop fuckin writing
Yes I can be a messy person
Yes I have had a history of keeping my room in bad conditions

But I am not filthy and I do not consciously seek to create mess. I have also never made any place messy, save for the actual room I was paying for to stay in. Don't call me filthy, and don't assume that I create a tornado of clothes and rubbish wherever I go, because I will not be happy. There is nothing worse than hearing one side of the story and treating the other party with disrespect before you hear it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

Toodles!

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Posted on Mar. 15th, 2008 at 01:55 pm | | leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

five year old follies

I walked into the cloakroom, standing a distance away from the others. Taking my time to arrange my school bag into my arms. Slowly wrapping it around my back, I stepped towards the teacher with a large grin on my face. "Miss, what's going on?" I asked perpelexed but curious. I was like that, always positively ponderous. She told me that we were doing a bag check because someone had reported a smoke smell coming out of the cloak rooms. In my mind, something told me that I would be involved, because things like this always happened.

Being so young though, it was unconscious, so I happily passed my bag on. I remember the innocent smile fading from my face when Mrs. Vernon pulled out the matches from my bag. They were matches I had never seen before. They were matches which were deliberately lit, and planted in my bag in order to frame me. People suck don't they?

Especially when you're five years old.

I remember my first year of primary school. I hated it. I was a pretty introverted child, and I didn't speak much, or pay attention to any of the classroom activities. That meant at the end of the day I had no friends, and when you have no friends, you have enemies. Those other five-year old enemies have no idea how vividly i remember some of the things, albiet, stupid, they put me through at such a young age. It is curious to consider how I viewed the world as a child has shaped who I am today... or has it?

"Morgan. Not again. You always do something wrong. Why are there matches in your bag? Don't try to deny it, because we've found them," were some of the words that came out of the teachers mouth as my smile began to deteriorate and my five-year-old logic cracked. At that age I couldn't comprehend why the matches had gotten there, and the reasons I was being blamed. I felt like an alien, and it was shocking to me because being framed & blamed at school was a complete antithesis to my home life. Where at home I would be treated with care and loving, at school it was almost the opposite.

That day I sat in the cloakroom crying for hours as the teacher told me I wouldn't be allowed to go home until I admitted to taking the matches and burning them. I remember that time being the lonest i'd ever felt. My surroundings are dark and foreboding, in retrospect I felt like a criminal in a police cell being blackmailed into admitting something I didn't do. I felt like I was being brainwashed by someone of authority into deciding that I should take the blame- because, nobody else would.

Any normal five year old would have just gone along with it. But for some reason I chose not to. Somewhere in the little thought process that was growing inside me, I decided that I would stand up for myself and continue to deny doing something I knew I would have never done. I stuck to my convictions against somebody probably ten times older than I was, on my third week of primary school. It wasn't until my Grandad came to pick me up that him and the teacher had a yelling match in front of me. As a Grandad, he had my back, he knew I wouldn't lie, because we're family. I've never lied to him.

Anybody who has read thus far is probably wondering why I am posting a blog about something that happened 14 years ago. To be honest there are three reasons. The first is that I like to write about my past from the present. There is nothing more amazing then going back and remembering how things were, especially when life gets more beautiful, like it has for me. Second, I had a dream about this event last night, and I've had them recurring my entire life, writing them down will hopefully get rid of them. Third, even though I am entirely confident and happy, I am still trying to understand myself. Did you know that our personalities are shaped by the first 6 years of our lives? Let me elaborate

I am a liberal
I stand up for myself
I am weary of authority
I'm not intimidated by power
I believe in the power of family
I believe in truth
My self esteem levels never stay in the same place
I can get confused easily
I don't like being blamed or accused

Where do these seemingly normal values come from? One thing that makes me wonder is how that one little event (of many,) affected how I saw the world as a child, and how those feelings I gained changed how I interacted with the world around me as I grew up. I've always been scared of dark places, since I can remember. And until I came out of the closet, I was afraid of being extroverted. Both of these fears came from my struggle as a child to make sense of why I was living with my grandmother, why I was "different" and why people just seemed to hate me.

Have a think to some really poigant times in your childhood. Our memories allow us to remember very tragic or very happy times. I guarantee you there will be an event or a series of events that lead back to some of the things you say or do now, or some of your irrational fears and thoughts, but also open up one hard question.

If some of the things that happened in our childhoods really do play important roles in determining how we behave as adults, then how are we to change them if they are damaging? The fact that I am jaded and paranoid of power, but also not threatened of it at the same time, is bad. I get myself in trouble constantly for breaking social and employment rules every few weeks, and each time I apologize I seem to do something worse next time. It's not that i'm forsefully being wreckless with my friends and career, it's just the way I am. But I think there is a way to change that.

Take your past. Put it into a smoothie. Throw the smoothie into the future, and then imagine where it will end up.

Do I want to be paranoid of any blame placed on me in ten years time? Do I want to sabotage my work and family life when i'm 25 because of the way I have been shaped as a child? Do you? I know that childhood plays a huge role in it because I have two special friends who i've known since we were little and all three of us have been though different things and turned out to be completely different people. But there are little things I see in them that remind me of what they were like, or events which changed them. Forever. I am the same, and so are you.

What I learned as a youngster from this all, is that those in power aren't always right. They are actually more often wrong then they are right. That teacher didn't actually know that it was me who did that. She didn't bother to consider the variables, or use any type of lateral thinking. She just used her position of authority to take out a little guy, because that's what the process ordered her to do. Twelve years later when I studied the novel "one flew over the cuckoos nest" about conformity verses individualism, it's no wonder all of my essays about power verses liberation were all excellences. My experiences with both this, and with coming out of the closet make me individualistic. It also made my relationship with my Grandmother strained when I was reaching ages that I felt I could provide and make decisions for myself when she decided control was still in her hands. A power struggle ensued.

I hope in writing this down I can erase that memory which still actually affects me. Somewhere in the neurons of my brain, remembering how marginalized I was back then strikes a chord. Sometimes, when i'm being talked down to, or told off, or treated like shit because of who I am outside my control- a sudden sheild flies out of nowhere and I couldn't really do much to control it. I wanna change though. Sheilds are bad. They keep the bad out, but they also keep the good out.

We all want to change. Otherwise we would stay at the same job, doing the same thing each day. We wouldn't seek new friends, forge new relationships or gather new experiences to invest our time in if we weren't compelled to change ourselves. The way I see it, the only way to change is to stop thinking "I wish people would stop berating me about my past and let me do better in my future", and instead to think "I wish I could forget, and stop berating myself over my past."

...just another late night blog by Morgan. I don't even know why you guys read these, by the way. I write them for myself more than for attention. It is fun putting little narratives out there, especially these days when I am not in uni. I feel a bit dumb. This is an off-set to that. Anyway, ciao, and have a good night and a good year. You deserve it

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Posted on Mar. 15th, 2008 at 09:06 am | | leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Church's divide

“I fear it… I fear it” These were the words spoken by Rebecca Nurse in 1692, Salem Massachusetts as religious leaders aligned together with their malignant idea that witchcraft was on the rise in their small town. An idea that arose from Abigail Williams hate towards those elders she disliked- callously crying witchery on innocent women. Many innocent lives were lost before it was too late. As if deja Vu was happening, From 1950 to 1953, Senator McCarthy, a powerful figure at the time, began to press his accusations that the American government was failing to “deal with communism”, and the following years, just like Abigail had in the salem witch trials- directed people to not associate with others who were seen being possibly guilty of practicing communism.

History was repeating itself and nobody noticed. Many innocent victims were accused, put in jail, fired from their jobs and discommunicated in the 1950s, some actors, doctors, lawyers, all due to morality panic. The same happened in the witch trails in the sixteenth century. You would think we would learn? But we don't.

July 09th 2006: Mainstream Religious leaders all over the United States were continuing a spearhead campaign against one of the most controversial topics involving the church and state right now. Gay Marriage and Civil Unions. More specifically, the "break down of the family unit through lesser forms of marriage".

Church leaders have since chosen and are trying to use their religious morality to criminalize what should be a law, civil unions- just like Thomas Putman did. Thomas Putman was the man who got the witchcraft allegations spiraling, and used his religion to justify the presence of the supernatural- just like Abigail, the girl who pretended to be posessed, singled out a group of people she didn’t like.

Each three of these examples share the same motive. Fear. Whenever Abigail felt like she was in danger she would accuse another person of witchcraft. Senator McCarthy was afraid that communism would overthrow the democracy America had “worked so hard to build.” And now, today, the church heirachy is using the fear of the disintegration of the family unit in order to justify criminalizing homosexaulity.

Bishops, Cardinals from all over the globe, and the Pope have made it very clear that, not only are they opposed to homosexuality within their church- they are actively trying to bar it in our open society. In many parts of the United States, obsessed religious people have come up with a law they hope- will make civil unions (even between a man and a women) illegal. To this day, the Catholic Church have tried and failed to lobby against the Homosexual Law reform act 1986, the Civil union act 2005, and many civil union laws passed in Italy, France and Germany.

What Religious leaders and fanatics don’t realize is that what they are doing is a complete contradiction to everything they are supposedly about, everything we represent. Through powerful manipulation of biblical texts, they are throwing bible grenades at full velocity towards a minority group- effectively attempting to destroy their lives and create hell on earth.

Notice marriage hasn’t been mentioned yet. That is because the church is perfectly within its rights to create rules for marriage- for them a ceremony only for a man and a woman, there are no exceptions. The current debate is about something completely different and something that the Church should really have no say in- civil unions. Life long partnerships with another person, irrespective of gender- working for the same goals, just trying to get by and share in some of the benefits just like everybody else does and should be entitled too.

Sadly, many lawmakers and citizens fail to see the difference as they are being fed misinformation from the opposition. The main arguments against civil unions focus on the old-age “Homosexuality is a sin” argument, which archaic in itself- has absolutely nothing to do with being in a civil union with somebody. The second largest argument comes from the viewpoint that men have to be compatible with women in order to raise a family and therefore, no alternate to Marriage should be allowed. This argument hardly works either, considering the divorce rate is north of 50% now, that many people don’t want to get married and have children- and that a growing amount of evidence is cumulating which backs up claims that homosexuals do not choose it as a “lifestyle”.

Many everyday Christians and Catholics though- are begged to wonder why such a frivolous topic is being sought with so much hype and emotional resonation. Why are religions focusing on removing rights from a group of people, when there are larger things in the world going on right now to worry about? Religious leaders, governments, scientists and citizens irrespective of sexual orientation- should all be working together to bring an end to poverty, to bring an end to war, to create life long solutions for issues such as global warming, which will eventually effect our population as a whole. Not just those few who want to protect the traditional view of marriage only.

God created us to work with one another, to love one another- to respect one another and to work as a team. But at the moment, God’s own followers are doing the exact opposite to what Jesus’ message was.

Being an ex-Catholic myself, I share in Rebecca Nurse’s mindset. Rebecca Nurse spoke the famous words "The aftermath of the hangings... I fear it, I feat it"...I fear that once this mess is finally all over, and there is nothing left to debate on either side- that the church will forever be torn apart. It’s happening already. The Anglican Church is in the process of disowning denominations, like the Episocal church who allowed a gay man become a bishop. The Church has dis-assiocaited itself with it's african counter-parts, something that has never been done before. African leaders of that church think they are morally compelled to create law that bans more than two gay people from being in the same room together. It's no wonder the american side of the church has torn away. I fear that the battle and aftermath of the current war on Gay rights will not only create a travesty for homosexuals- but also for people who are part of the catholic religion, or any religion. The more the pope spews bullshit about second-class homosexuals, the more our younger generation will spit on the very church he is trying to uphold. I imagine it will be everybody else vs. Religious people. The Church won’t be a happy place to reside. Did you know that 90 percent of teenagers aged 16 to 24 feel as though the church's moral stance on sexuality is it's most major drawback? What I once thought of was a place of resonating peace will no longer be the angel it once appeared. The same thing happened in the town of Salem, before the hanging and burning began.

By the end of the Salem Witch Trials, over thirty innocent victims were hung, burnt or stoned to death. Abigail, the shrill but determined little girl who felt morally obliged to kill so many women, had since run away and was never seen or heard of again. When the town realized that it was all just a farce, people were filled with remorse. The large middle class who were manipulated into callous action suddenly realized what a tragedy they had helped create. The town went silent. Many cows and other animals were roaming around dying with no masters to feed them- and nobody dared touch that land for at least another century.

You would think that the world would learn from its history. But alas it isn’t. Obviously the church's crusade on homosexuals isn't as hardcore as the witch hunts. But when you think about it, it is still, in essense, a witch hunt. Like the witches burnt at the stake, religious leaders are doing anything to burn what pleasure of life all homosexuals currently have and in the meantime, other issues are left to slowly simmer. Who cares about poverty issues or increasing war and heat in the world? I’m afraid that as an ex-catholic I have to say that I think the church has finally lost the plot. How far religious zealots are willing to go and its expense on the ever widening gap between people in the church, only time will tell. But know this. “I fear it… I fear it.”

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Posted on Mar. 12th, 2008 at 05:54 am | | leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

What i'm not

A while ago I posted a blog about how much of a bitch i've become. After careful (drunken) thought, i've decided that i'm far from it. I'm actually one of the nicest people you will ever hope to meet and one of the least judgemental people on the entire planet. I know this because I am empathetic, accepting, and can adapt to change and situations that require me to go all of the way for my friends. Time and time again.

However, i've grown a shield to protect me from dishonest, unfriendly and just plain mean behaviour. This entry is a tangible consequence of that. The last four months haven't exactly been shining.

Recap: not a bitch. But what i've observed from those around me though, is less than stellar. I have some bones to pick.

What i'm not.

I. I'm not an unrealistic, pedantic person who enjoys, or creates conversation, simply to put down or ruin the reputation of somebody else, months after said person has acted in less-than-stellar ways.

After dealing with being abused and forced out of my workplace, a rocky relationship, suicide attempts in front of me, and a break up, I don't appreciate still hearing about how filthy and unkempt I am, after effectively being unfairly asked to leave my home. There comes a time when one has to realize that when I left my last place I was:

a: unexperienced at working full time
b: unexperienced at living out of home
c: not used to taking care of myself
d: having to deal with all of the above issues, simultaniously

and people should also know that

a: the communal areas of the flat I stayed at were never made "filthy" because of me.
b: differences in age between flatmates play a huge part in what's considered tidy and what isn't.
c: i'm still working on my tidying, having just quit my job, I now have time to sort my shit out.

Give me time to get past whatever "filth" I apparantly create. I'm human after all, and while I may not be the tidyiest person in the world, i'll always have your back for anything, like I always did when you needed my help.

II. I don't break conflict on interest policies at work and drive away my entire team, risking immediate personal grievance claims. I also don't tell an employee to, said, "fuck off" when they try to contact me about open comunication in regards to things that happened that were my fault and always will be.

Stop spreading shit about me. Stop ruining my employment chances over personal issues because you couldn't "have" me the way you wanted me. The last time I checked, a manager isn't even allowed to want a relationship with their employee although I could be wrong. Or could I?

You are scum and deserve to be fired. I can't believe I used to look up to you. I was actually inspired by you. And I can't believe even more, that I let you treat me like shit for so long.Two people complained about you before I chose to. I was the third, and i'm proud I did. I hope nobody else has to deal with whatever mental issues seem to give you the right to break so many policies and piss off so many people. It may be entertaining to watch though.


III. I don't think i'm "better" than you. So stop thinking you are better than me, because you are not. We are all people at the end of the day.

Going around telling our friends *yes that's right, our friends*, that they are not allowed to hang out with me is absurd. Obviously they are people aswell which means they can make up their own minds as to who they hang out with, and they have chosen to hang out with me anyway, regardless of what barriers you try to put up between us.

I helped you come out, ages ago. Do you remember? I bet you don't. We were good friends, until you attained a position above me and a boyfriend. Which one has changed you? Or is it both. Do you also remember when people mocked you about having a younger partner? Or for who you were with? Who was the person that stuck up for you time and time again? For both of you? Yeah that was me.

So thanks a whole lot for spreading things about me, really, uh, I can't think of a better way to show appreciation and thanks. (If you're fucked in the head).
--------

It's Sunday 9th of March, and I still don't have my own place. I now have no job because I was offered one, that has been cancelled because of things they heard about me at an old workplace that will stop at nothing to thwort me moving foward with my career. It was too late to keep cotton on, i'd resigned days before.

I'm single and proud of it. But apart from that, heaps has happened to me since about december, and the fall out from it means I am now back at square one, only this time with baggage and bad-mouthing coming from all kinds of places.

To all my friends who've helped me lately through giving me somewhere to stay and being patient with me (Tylar), to those who make me feel good just by being around them (Paul), to those who are forgiving (Johnny), to those who asked me how I was doing through it all (Madi), I thank you. And everybody else. It really helps.

*scurries to find a new job*. I have two more interviews. I hope these ones go well. 

Posted on Mar. 9th, 2008 at 02:01 am | | leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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